What can a ghost be thankful for on Thanksgiving?

As everyone who lives in America during the 21st century as is the century I have chosen to rest my bones for a spell, today is Thanksgiving Day and in order to fit in which I so try to do, I am supposed to reflect on what I'm thankful for.  In France where I was born, we didn't have Thanksgiving. It's an American thing.  I understand why Americans celebrate Thanksgiving but why this cranberry mess in a can?  And why would you ruin a good meal of sweet potatoes by throwing brown sugar and marshmallows on it?  Americans could learn an awful lot from the French, but I digress.

Henri wants to tell 21st century mortals what he's thankful for so let me begin by saying it's a long list so I'll just condense it into a 1-10 list.  Here goes and not in any particular order and I know you can't wait to read this:

1. 21st century American juene filles.   Young ladies put Henri's ectoplasm on fire.
2. Coors Lite.  I know I know, I won't any points for this one but hey this is my list just keep this info to yourself.
3. The ability to express myself without everyone running around yelling, "Ghost!"
4. Doritos.
5. Romancing the Million $$$ Ghost if the damn edits would hurry up.
6. Ezra, Brianna, Brooke, Shiolah, Jerilynn, Peggy - the Spirit Seekers.  And I can't leave out Finella.  And, of course, Monsier Rodger Hawthorne, for without him, we wouldn't have been able to go on such an exciting ghost hunt. 
7. My on again off again girlfriend, Juicy (long story there).
8. Boo and even his angry wife, Maxine, who makes life as a ghost interesting.
9. Maxine's dog for letting us stay in his dog house when Maxine is on a rampage.
10. My readers who believe that just because you're a ghost, it doesn't mean you can't live on.

So there's my self-sacrificing list.  What I did leave out, though, and is very important to Henri, is YOU.  Without YOU, there would be no one coming to see what Henri is up to!

Happy Thanksgiving 21st century friends and leave the cranberry mess in the can alone!

Afterlife is another stage of 'life'

I want to begin this blog post by telling everyone how happy Henri is to be where he is.  As you know, I am not of mortal flesh anymore; but instead I have morphed into something completely beautiful and had it not been for my death, I would have never known how beautiful.  The thing is there are a lot of mortals who don't believe in ghosts and I can understand where they're coming from.  They don't want to be frightened or maybe it even goes against their religion and Henri has much respect for that.  But, there are questions.  Lots of questions about dying, the afterlife, do we die and that's it, do we go to heaven or hell?

Henri has decided to give mortals a chance to hear it from the real McCoy.  That's a phrase I learned when hanging around 21st century mortals.  What it means is the real thing.  Don't believe in me, that's okay.  But maybe after you get to know me, you'll understand I know quite a bit and it is my mission to help mortals through this.

So I read about a really nice school teacher in Tennessee who asked her friends on Facebook about the afterlife.  I personally love Tennessee. I have lots of friends there.  One of them played jokes on Shiolah when she went there on vacation but she was a good sport and instead of running, she made friends with her.  It was a her, btw. 

BTW, the school teacher's name is Crystal.  Crystal writes "I was thinking of my dad and grandma while walking out of school.  I know there are angels and I know once you pass away your body is gone and your spirit goes either to Heaven or Hell, but do you think our loved ones look down on us?  Heaven is a place filled with nothing but joy, so if they look down they may not see joyous things.  I'm so confused on this...thoughts?"

For one thing, Crystal, if you were thinking of both at the same time when you were walking out of school, it not only meant they were looking down at you, but they were looking straight at you for they were right there.  That's how ghosts communicate with their loved ones.  You are right.  There are angels.  Angels, spirit guides, messengers - yes they are here.  More so than you realize because you never know where one is because you usually can't see them.  I say usually because there are some angels who can materialize for a few minutes and do good acts, then poof, they're gone.  You've heard about them I'm sure.  They're looked upon as strangers, but they're really not.  As for the spirit going to Heaven or Hell, there are many realms.  If you are destined to go to Heaven, you must start at the bottom and work your way up by earning points if you didn't go into the light first go around.  Mortals might call them brownie points but to us, they are sacred.  You don't earn your points unless you do things exactly as they are to be done.  I almost didn't get my points because of three reasons - one, my fondness for Coors Lite, I had sex with a mortal (actually you call it sex, it's more to it once you get on my realm which makes it better than anything you have ever experienced) and I helped a few young ladies find a ghost when they were supposed to do it themselves.  I really almost didn't get my points for that last one especially but my spirit guide, Esop, explained that in the end, I triumphed so whatever I did had to be pretty good, huh?  More on that at another time, but back to why you thought of your dad and your grandma.  There is a real reason and it's not just to say howdy.  They are really busy on their realm but when their loved ones are in distress, they are right there.  So what you need to do is figure out why. 

What you also need to remember is that while Heaven is a joyous place and the most beautiful place in the Universe, your loved ones' mission is to look after you.  It's all part of it.  When you pass over, you'll do the same.  There's no need to worry they will be missing out on anything.

I hope that helped Crystal and others who question the afterlife.  After all, "afterlife" is another stage of "life."

Does anyone else have a question for Henri?

Henri's Favorite Videos: The Story Behind The Munsters

Henri's Favorite Videos: The Monster Mash

How does one tell a ghost he's dead?

Even though I'm not 100% indoctrinated into the twenty-first century way of life, I do have to admit, I have found blogging and the Internet in general very very fascinating.  It was on one of my online journeys when I saw the phrase, "How does one tell a ghost he's dead?" 

I chuckled because in ghostie land you just say it as it is.  You tell a ghost he's dead and that's that.  He's not going to jump out of his ectoplasm and start poltergeisting people.  It's like a reality check.  In fact, it's better in the long run for the spirit to know he's dead than not.

Here's a scenario. 

John's wife, Abigail, died tragically.  Got run over not by reindeer but by the huge Coca-Cola truck that's traveling across the country.  She died instantly.  Oh, there was a big write up in the Ghostly Times about Abigail and how wasn't it ironic she didn't even like Coke.  I imagine she likes it less now.

So, at the moment of her death, the heavens opened up and you had the big white light thing and family up in Heaven all telling her to get her sorry ass off the road and get up there and things will be right again, but she ended up not going.  You have approximately ten seconds or so and that light recedes.  I'll have to check the manual, don't quote me on that.

So Abigail is standing over her dead body and the paramedics are doing their thing to no avail and without success, Abigail's family gave up and the light receded leaving her here on earth without a body and no idea where to go from there.  In the Ghostly Times, it said that she ignored the fact that her body was dead on the road and brushed herself off and headed across the street to the local Wiggly Piggly.  She had dropped her purse but she did have a couple of dollars stashed in her jean pocket and she was dying for a HoHo.

She put the HoHo up on the conveyer belt and watched it roll up to the cashier who proceeded to put it in a bag and hand it to the woman in front of me. 

"That's not mine," the woman retorted.

The cashier shrugged and tossed it in one of the carts that were lined up for returns.

Abigail walked over to the cart, grabbed her HoHo and put it back on the belt.

Well according to The Ghostly Times, the cashier started shrieking kind of dreadful like and the line which was all the way back to the produce department suddenly wasn't there anymore.  Abigail didn't know what else to do so she threw a couple of dollars on the conveyer belt which then set those who were standing around to shrieking themselves, and she walked out the door HoHo in hand.

There was a kindly old man sitting on a bench outside who heard the commotion.  He saw Abigail walking out the door with the HoHo in her hand.  He watched her sit down right beside him and she proceeded to eat her HoHo.

"You know that you're dead," the old man told her.

"Excuse me?" Abigail said, munching down as fast as she could.

"I'm just not sure if you know this," he continued, "but what just happened in that store there is because you're a ghost."

"What do you mean I'm a ghost? If I were a ghost, you wouldn't be able to see me, right?"

"I see dead people."

"Oh, come on now.  That line has been used a million times."

"Think what you may but I see dead people and you're dead and I see you."

According to The Ghostly Times, the woman finished her HoHo, thanked the man and headed down North Main only this time she didn't walk, she flew.

The moral of this story is that no matter what anyone tells you, ghosts do not fear they are dead, they just need to know before they cause more mortals to become ghosts before their time.  And they don't get any brownie points for doing that.

Meeting Jessilyn Archambault

I knew my way around La Rochelle very well.  Between getting my feet off the ground for a few yards to sprinting the rest of the way, I made it there just before the sun set.  I wasn't sure how to find Jessilyn Archambault but instincts told me to go into the cemetery which just off the fork in the road.  She might be there.  Or the morgue. But then, that's thinking like a mortal.  Where would you go if you were a ghost and you just found out about it?  You either go to the light which she did not or you roam and try to get your bearings to make sense of the whole thing.  I tried using mental telepathy but it wasn't working.  I was on my own.

I had built up some flight, so I flew over to the cemetery.  Nothing.  Then it dawned on me.  Of course! I had to find out where Jessilyn Arcambault's family was murdered.

I couldn't very well ask anyone but I figured by dropping in at a local tavern, there might be some talk about the murder and, sure enough, there was.

Two heavyset men sat at one end of the bar while the tavern keeper kept their glasses full.

"I knew it was coming," one of them said.  "Richelieu is going to get all of us if we don't watch our backs."

Richelieu? 

I crept closer.

"Shot all of them," said the other.  "They ought to hang him."

Another man with a long black beard and gray coat sat beside them.  "You heard the news I suppose?"

Both men nodded.  

"We need to get him."

One of the other men took a long sip, put his glass down and spat on the floor.  "Before he gets us."

Could it be the same Richelieu who chopped off my head?

"Did you see the place?" said the man with the long black beard.  "Blood everywhere.  They boarded up the door but someone tore the door off the hinges and people are in and out of there."

"That's disgusting," said one of the men.

Where? Where?

Just then, the tavern doors swung wide open.  A elderly man with a white mustache entered and looked as if he were out of breath.  "They're over there and threatening to burn the Archambault's house down."

The three men sitting at the bar rushed past the elderly man.  Here was my chance and off I flew!

There are certain advantages to being a ghost.  Invisibility has to be at the top of the list.  I flew past the mob and entered the Armchambault's house.  It was two stories so I made my way up to the second floor and peered into one of the bedrooms.  Blood covered the walls and no sign of anyone else besides myself.  I poked my head into one of the other bedrooms and everything was in place, no blood, just a bed, dresser and a bedside table.

I went to go back downstairs when a shadow ran right through me.

"Oh mon dieu ! Qui êtes-vous ? Restez loin de moi!"

She. Was. Beautiful.  Of course, what you see isn't what you saw when they weren't dead; I certainly wasn't, but this woman floating beside me was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in all my life.

"Are you Jessilyn?"

"Oui.  I am Jessilyn.  Who are you?"

"I'm Henri.  I'm here to help. Do you realize you are dead?"  Maybe it wasn't the best thing to say right then, but she had to know.

"Morts? C'est absurde! I'm trying to find my mother and father and my little brother.  Have you seen them?"

"Um, Miss Jessilyn.  Can we talk?"

I led her to the bed and we both sat down. "Miss Jessilyn--"

She put a finger to my lips.  "Call me Jessie, please."

"Okay, Jessie.  I'm not sure the delicate way to handle this but there has been a terrible accident.  You were killed."

"Killed?"

"Yes."

Her head hung low and she said in a low voice, "I knew it."

"I'm dead, too."

"You were killed, too?"

"I was.  Just not here.  But I have a stinking feeling that we were both killed by the same person.  Watch this."  I took my head off my body.  "I was beheaded."

"Oh mon dieu!"

"Yeah, not a really good thing to have happen, but that was the past and we have to live in the now.  In the now of the afterlife, that is."

"So what do we do?"

"Tell you what.  Join me.  Let's go figure out this ghostie thing and maybe have a little fun along the way.  By the way, why didn't you go to the light?"

"I was scared?"

"Good enough.  Do you care to join me on this journey?"

"I'd like that."

So there we were, Juicy and I, floating side by side not knowing where we were going or what would happen when we got there.

"Henri?"

"Yes?"

"I want to find out who killed me."

"Exactly."

The day I became a ghost

After leaving Ezra Ann's, I caught up with Juicy  who I was sure was pretty ticked off at me.  Mortals have the misconceived idea that All Hallow's Eve would be THE night for ghosts, but it's not like that at all for most of us.  For the majority, it's just another day in paradise and no need to get all worked up about it.  Tell that to Juicy, though.  I was pretty sure she'd want to know where I was all night and I figured she had a right to know.  After all, it was not only a big night for some in the spirit world, but it was also the night I met Juicy.

I was beheaded on the night before All Hallow's Eve in 1682, exactly fifty years after the day I was born.  It was the exact same night that Juicy was murdered.  In fact, her whole family was murdered from what I can remember.  It was gruesome. Juicy came from a peasant family; whereas I came from a noble one.  In real life, we probably would have never met coming from two very different backgrounds.

Although I knew my death was inevitable, it was still a shocker.  I watched them throw my limp body on a cart and roll it away to the sound of a cheering crowd.  I'll never forget it and I tried to get it in my mind that they were cheering for me, not against me, for now I was free from the torment that was bestowed on me my entire life and also free from Richelieu who I suspected all along that he didn't want me around much longer.  I wasn't much to look at, but it was my religious and political views that got me in trouble.  Had I not opened my mouth, I might have survived longer.

I was a humpback and shunned most of the time, but what I lacked in appearance, I made it up with my brains.  I was very vocal in what I believed in which landed my head under the guillotine.

It's painful for me to write this, so let's just get it all out and go on to nicer things.

I did see the light, but something told me I wasn't finished on earth.  Something told me I didn't want to take the coward way out and I wanted a chance to redeem myself.  I saw my mother who had passed a few years earlier.  She was waving at me to join her.  The urge to do so was strong.  She was my rock.

I just stood there.  One by one, more of my past relatives appeared and the light got stronger. I knew it was do or die and I refused to die.  Slowly, the light receded until it was no more.

I took a closer look at myself and was surprised to notice my back was straight and I didn't have a pain in my whole body.  It was like I was sixteen again, before the horrible disease took over which caused my hunched back.  I thought at first that this wasn't so bad.  Strange, but doable.  I don't know why mortals think this is something to be fearful of.  It was out of the ordinary for sure, but definitely very doable.

I discovered I could now fly.  And the good part about it was that I could go anywhere I wanted and no one would know I was there.  But I was still in the confused stage and that's about when I felt a foreign presence around me.

"Hello Henri."

I could tell the presence was not of mortal flesh, and eventually the figure took form so it could be partly recognizable.  I figure that if some strange being is the first thing you see after you die, it would totally disconnect you from the matter at hand.

"And who are you?"

"I'm Esop, your spiritual guide."

"My spiritual what?"

"I am your spiritual guide.  I am here to show you the ropes.  Got a minute?"

I wanted to laugh, but I knew I better get serious.  After all, there might be rules and conditions and all that and I needed to know.

"I've got all the time in the world now.  Lay it on me."

We did the Christmas past thing - Esop showed me different things that happened to me that I wish hadn't and told me what I needed to do if I were to stay on this realm.  He explained to me that by not going into the light, there were certain things I needed to know.

"You have decided to stay on this realm, Henri," Esop continued, "and so forth shall you do.  You have past karma to solve and I will be there to help you with it."

"Cool."  I wasn't all into being by myself at that point anyway.

"You had hardships in this life and now it's your time to fly, but you have to remember that in order to get to the next realm which you will want to do at some point in time, you have to perform certain tasks."

"Certain tasks?"

"Yes.  They will be measured in points.  You do a certain thing, you get a point.  That's the way it works."

"So, what's my first step?"

"Your first step is getting your wings.  You have limited flying ability right now.  In order to do all you have to do to get to the next realm, you must get your wings first."

"And how do I do that?"

"Go into the next town - La Rochelle. It's a good three mile walk but you can use what little flying ability you have to get there.  There is a young woman named Jessilyn Archambault.  Her family was just murdered and they have gone to the light, leaving her behind.  You need to find her."

"What do I do once I find her?"

"You'll know what to do."

Esop faded, then disappeared, and I started my journey.  As a ghost to find another ghost named Jessilyn Archambault.

Who ya gonna call? Not Ghostbusters!

I hope everyone survived All Hallow's Eve? After I left Boo's, I headed over to Ezra Ann's and grabbed a few Coors Lites out of her fridge and sat at the window watching little short beings going from house to house, holding out bags to whoever opened the door.  Then, whoever opened the door would place an unidentifiable object inside the bag, then the little being would run off to the next house. There were witches and pirates and race car drivers and even beings with sheets on their heads

with just the eyes cut out. I stayed invisible so they couldn't see me, but I wanted to know more about these strange beings and what was in their bags.

"Is that you, Henri?" I heard Ezra Ann call to me.

"It's me," I told her.

Ezra Ann laughed.  "Of all nights, Henri decides to stay in.  Don't you know what tonight is?  Don't get me wrong. I feel honored you would rather spend it with me, but shouldn't you be out there scaring people? Isn't that what you ghosts live for?"

Ezra Ann knew better than that.  I think she was trying to shake Henri's chains.  "Why are all those little beings out there going from house to house with bags in their hands?"

"They're trick-or-treaters, Henri.  Didn't they have trick-or-treating when you were a kid?"

"What is trick-or-treating?"

"Well, trick-or-treaing is what kids do on Halloween.  They play dress up and go to house to house and people give them candy."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

Twenty-first century mortals are a weird lot.

"It's a tradition, Henri."

"So who started this trick-or-treating?"

"I'm not quite sure.  Why don't you come sit by me and watch a movie?"

Television.

"What are you watching?" I asked, jumping onto the sofa sending Ezra bouncing like a kangaroo.

"Ghostbusters."

"Ghostbusters?"

"Have you seen it? It's an old movie but it's so good. I think I've watched it a million times."

"Why would you watch it a million times?"

"It's just a figure of speech, Henri.  Never mind.  Just kick back and watch."

So, on All Hallow's Eve, I sat watching Ghostbusters with Ezra Ann while little beings roamed the streets outside.  Maybe I had too many Coors Lites floating around my belly but has anyone really paid attention to what this movie is about?

You have these so called ghostbusters who go around killing ghosts.  KILLING GHOSTS.  Okay, for one thing, ghosts are already dead so how much farther can you go with this?  So they have these big ass guns and once they shoot you with this stuff, the ghosts disintegrate.  Oh. Mon. Dieu. Holy Mary Mother of God.

The ghosts appear, fly around at lightning speed and ZAP.  GONE.

"Um, Ezra Ann?"

"Be quiet, Henri, this is the good part."

And that's when I went a little ballistic myself.  I started hovering.  That's what I do when I get upset.  I hover.  JUST like the ghosts in the movie.  THEY'RE HOVERING.

"Henri, settle down, you're distracting me," Ezra said, throwing a pillow at me.

"Don't you see what they're doing???"

"What are you talking about?"

"They're not even questioning who these ghosts are.  They could be long lost relatives for all they know!"

"What?"

"They're zapping ghosts like it's no tomorrow and going around acting like they're hot shots. This disgusts Henri."

"It's just a movie.  Settle down.  You're getting ectoplasm all over the rug and I just cleaned it."

"Don't you even care?  Don't you see what this movie is telling people? That all ghosts are bad and they should be eradicated?  It messes up the whole scheme of things, doesn't it?  They are there for a reason and who gives mortals the right to say they no longer deserve to be in this realm?  It's just not right."

"I think you've had too many Coors Lites."

"I can see I'm getting nowhere with this.  You of all people should know where I'm coming from."

Ezra turned off the TV, much to my relief.  "Henri, you're going to have to get used to the 21st century.  There will be movies that don't make any sense but they're for entertainment.  I know and you know the real story.  That's why we as so called "ghostbusters" don't eliminate.  We communicate.  We help them go on to wherever they are supposed to be for their own happiness.  You know that, Henri. Even a confused spirit or what we'd call them 'bad,' deserves our help."

I sighed.  Ezra Ann had a good way of grounding Henri. 

"I think I'll go now," I told her.  "But one day I'm going to make my own movie and tell it the way it really is."

"You do that, Henri."

I bid Ezra Ann adieu, thanked her for letting me drink her Coors Lites, and headed over to Juicy's house to face the music.  One thing about Juicy, she hates television and for that I was very grateful.